Ajoleblon...A Cajun Tale

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Lafayette, Louisiana, United States
This journal is a bunch of rants about nothing. Mostly lighthearted happenings in the life of a woman who is very simple and who wants for nothing but greatly appreciates whatever is given. You will find nothing profound here but hopefully something that will make you laugh and that's what I enjoy doing most. Being humorous. Fight all error, but do it with good humor, patience, kindness, and love. Harshness will damage your own soul and spoil the best cause.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Judith's Artsy Essay My Entry

The subject for the essay will be:

 

The one thing I would most like you to know about me........

 

Tell us something: a secret, a wish, a thought  or hope, your greatest desire or temptation, or something unique about you in poetry or prose. Tell us what you feel strongly about, something funny or serious..... what you most want us to know about you. Don't just tell us this special something and leave it at that.... we want to know so much more! Help us to feel and know what it is you think and why. There is LOTS of room for creativity here and descriptive language, and engaging writing will earn you points. This writing exercise is about self-expression and communicating clearly so that we can share your feelings for a bit.


And remember as always: Descriptive,
Descriptive,Descriptive:):):)


This contest is open to everybody, and I hope that we can all have some fun with this. This community is wonderful and there is so much varied talent here. Last month's entries were incredible, and many journalers followed the links around to read and enjoy unfamiliar new journals. This is a great opportunity to meet new people andto experience some incredible writing.

 

Feel free to e-mail me with any questions that you may have. There is lots of wiggle-room in this month's assignment, so hopefully everybody can find a direction to take this essay. 

Most of all, have some fun!

http://journals.aol.com/judithheartsong/newbeginning/entries/1595

AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGEMENT I WILL ENTER THIS CONTEST AND REVEAL SOMETHING ABOUT MYSELF.  UNFORTUNATELY IT WON'T BE FUN BUT HERE IT IS.  I MUST ADMIT I HAVE RESERVATIONS ABOUT REVEALING THIS BUT WHAT THE HELL...HERE GOES:

 

As a first time entry in the Judith’s essay, I will sit down and write the one secret about myself that few people know about me. It is perhaps a dark secret that no one cares to have to share and many before me have shared the same deep dark recesses of themselves.

Some share in public forums and some in not so public. I do not share it to have pity thrown my way nor to excuse myself of any behavioral patterns I may have because of it. I share it because it is part of me. An integral part of my soul that weeps loudly and sometimes quietly to be understood. A darkness within me that saddens me to the core of my being.

I scream within myself to be able to love like so many humans are capable of loving. I have yet to find the means to allow myself the luxury of trusting someone enough to love and beloved.

I have this vision of one day finding the person that my head belongs on their shoulder and my hand belongs rested on their chest. A contented feeling of knowing I belong there and want to remain there for eternity. A true friend. Someone that is not disgusted by the inner workings of my soul.

I have not found it or shall I say I have not allowed myself to find it. I have this protective shield over my heart that is so thick it will not allow anyone to enter and when that shield starts cracking I run like the devil is after me and believe me he is forever stalking me.

I use humor and sarcasm to hide this defect in my character. I walk around pretending to be this loving person and I’ve become a pretty good actress but the proof is in the pudding...when it boils right down to the real thing and having longevity in any relationship and proving any true love I fall very short of the mark.

Yes, there are times I feel so very sorry for myself but there are also times that I am thankful for the intense sensitivity of my soul. The awareness of the darkness that lies within. The knowledge that I don’t walk around unaware like so many do. I am a very "aware" person. I think way too much and I can’t let things lie still within myself. I’m a walking mass of emotions waiting for the train that is my soul to derail. Hanging on by a shred but never giving up on myself or the belief that one day I’ll be whole.

I strive to be a beautiful person on the outside and believe me it is difficult and that is why I am a loner. Although inside I feel very ugly at times, I remind myself that people don’t usually see your innards...thank God!

If you haven’t already figured it out this my fellow J-Landers is the repercussions of child sexual abuse. A lot of you may already know the ear markings of it and most have probably experienced it.

The saddest part of being a survivor of sexual abuse is the way the child within protects the heart so ferociously from trust and love.

A child of sexual abuse lives above themselves never quite allowing anything to touch them deeply.

A child of abuse has the capability of removing themselves and there emotions from a situation. Never realizing that they are not living but just existing.

A child of sexual abuse walks around trying diligently to never disappoint therefore never being themselves. Always being what someone "expects" them to be.

Some may say but you aren't a "child" any longer but an adult.  Yes this is true but that child still lives within me orchestrating the music I dance to.

There is healing and one day I trust and I have faith I will be healed. I am on a journey and I’m thankful for every path I’ve crossed. Every junction I have reached in this journey brings me closer to that healing I so crave.

And may God Bless anyone out there who has and will ever go through this darkness.

 

 

8 comments:

globetrotter2u said...

I can identify with much of the darkness that you describe.
Although I was not abused sexually as a child, I endured other types of abuse. The dark night of the soul for me was reached a few years ago when I just wanted to die. It's horrible what childhood abuse does to one's self-confidence and character. I have always been a loner, too,- afraid to love and trust. I did not even discover that I loved my husband until just recently. I realized that I was having trouble loving him because he loved me!
You've taken a huge step on your path to healing. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get there gradually.
Peace to your sweet soul. Your entry was lovely:)
Maryanne
http://journals.aol.com/globetrotter2u/Myfeelingsarereal/entries/1190

gaboatman said...

I'm so glad you decided to enter Judi's contest.  This was a very powerful entry and well written.  I can feel the trust you've placed in us, your friends and readers, and am humbled by it.  Good luck in the contest!
Sam

judithheartsong said...

I am so glad you chose to write...... there are more here who will understand than you might know. Learning that we are not alone in having been used and abused is a positive thing. I think you are very brave. judi

swibirun said...

I am dumbfounded, especially after my entry today.  This entry makes your comment that much more meaningful.  

Thank you for sharing.  It helps to know what others went through.

Chris
http://journals.aol.com/swibirun/Inanethoughtsandinsaneramblings
http://www.bigoven.com/~swibirun

jevanslink said...

I know you must feel like darkness fills your soul, but reading your essay I kept noticing how much your light comes shining through.  I hope you feel embraced by a whole community of people who are in awe of your courage to tell your story.
Mrs. L  

gailmb said...

Thank you for this entry. Writing about that must have been very difficult. I applaud your courage. I don't know what you're feeling, but after reading your journal entries, I do know that you are a very beautiful person. You've overcome a lot, and I hope you can find a way to defeat the monsters that still haunt you.

bedazzzled1 said...

And may God bless YOU for having the strength and courage to let others know of the hurt inside you. I wish you lots of sunshine on your journey.

siennastarr said...

Beautiful, heartfelt and intense entry..   You remind me of myself in so many ways.  I felt like I was reading the story of my life in nearly every word.  I wasn't sexually abused, but physically and mentally, and who knows?  Maybe sexually too, and I just don't remember.  I just know that reading your words was like a mirror of my soul.
God Bless you for being a survivor of such an awful, hideous thing for any child to have to go through.

Jackie