The subject for the essay will be:
The one thing I would most like you to know about me........
Tell us something: a secret, a wish, a thought or hope, your greatest desire or temptation, or something unique about you in poetry or prose. Tell us what you feel strongly about, something funny or serious..... what you most want us to know about you. Don't just tell us this special something and leave it at that.... we want to know so much more! Help us to feel and know what it is you think and why. There is LOTS of room for creativity here and descriptive language, and engaging writing will earn you points. This writing exercise is about self-expression and communicating clearly so that we can share your feelings for a bit.
And remember as always: Descriptive,Descriptive,Descriptive:):):)
This contest is open to everybody, and I hope that we can all have some fun with this. This community is wonderful and there is so much varied talent here. Last month's entries were incredible, and many journalers followed the links around to read and enjoy unfamiliar new journals. This is a great opportunity to meet new people andto experience some incredible writing.
Feel free to e-mail me with any questions that you may have. There is lots of wiggle-room in this month's assignment, so hopefully everybody can find a direction to take this essay.
Most of all, have some fun!
AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGEMENT I WILL ENTER THIS CONTEST AND REVEAL SOMETHING ABOUT MYSELF. UNFORTUNATELY IT WON'T BE FUN BUT HERE IT IS. I MUST ADMIT I HAVE RESERVATIONS ABOUT REVEALING THIS BUT WHAT THE HELL...HERE GOES:
As a first time entry in the Judith’s essay, I will sit down and write the one secret about myself that few people know about me. It is perhaps a dark secret that no one cares to have to share and many before me have shared the same deep dark recesses of themselves.
Some share in public forums and some in not so public. I do not share it to have pity thrown my way nor to excuse myself of any behavioral patterns I may have because of it. I share it because it is part of me. An integral part of my soul that weeps loudly and sometimes quietly to be understood. A darkness within me that saddens me to the core of my being.
I scream within myself to be able to love like so many humans are capable of loving. I have yet to find the means to allow myself the luxury of trusting someone enough to love and beloved.
I have this vision of one day finding the person that my head belongs on their shoulder and my hand belongs rested on their chest. A contented feeling of knowing I belong there and want to remain there for eternity. A true friend. Someone that is not disgusted by the inner workings of my soul.
I have not found it or shall I say I have not allowed myself to find it. I have this protective shield over my heart that is so thick it will not allow anyone to enter and when that shield starts cracking I run like the devil is after me and believe me he is forever stalking me.
I use humor and sarcasm to hide this defect in my character. I walk around pretending to be this loving person and I’ve become a pretty good actress but the proof is in the pudding...when it boils right down to the real thing and having longevity in any relationship and proving any true love I fall very short of the mark.
Yes, there are times I feel so very sorry for myself but there are also times that I am thankful for the intense sensitivity of my soul. The awareness of the darkness that lies within. The knowledge that I don’t walk around unaware like so many do. I am a very "aware" person. I think way too much and I can’t let things lie still within myself. I’m a walking mass of emotions waiting for the train that is my soul to derail. Hanging on by a shred but never giving up on myself or the belief that one day I’ll be whole.
I strive to be a beautiful person on the outside and believe me it is difficult and that is why I am a loner. Although inside I feel very ugly at times, I remind myself that people don’t usually see your innards...thank God!
If you haven’t already figured it out this my fellow J-Landers is the repercussions of child sexual abuse. A lot of you may already know the ear markings of it and most have probably experienced it.
The saddest part of being a survivor of sexual abuse is the way the child within protects the heart so ferociously from trust and love.
A child of sexual abuse lives above themselves never quite allowing anything to touch them deeply.
A child of abuse has the capability of removing themselves and there emotions from a situation. Never realizing that they are not living but just existing.
A child of sexual abuse walks around trying diligently to never disappoint therefore never being themselves. Always being what someone "expects" them to be.
Some may say but you aren't a "child" any longer but an adult. Yes this is true but that child still lives within me orchestrating the music I dance to.
There is healing and one day I trust and I have faith I will be healed. I am on a journey and I’m thankful for every path I’ve crossed. Every junction I have reached in this journey brings me closer to that healing I so crave.
And may God Bless anyone out there who has and will ever go through this darkness.