Well I hope we all made it through the first day of the year and we all had our cabbage and blackeyes for good luck in 2006. I had an eggroll and a spoon of blackeyes. How's that for gourmet dining?
I could have dined at the nursing home with my grandmother and her ideas of setting me up with a fellow dining partner.
My grandmother hates to see me alone. She comments on my sad state of being every time I visit her. She told me that there was a "younger" man that sits at her dining table.
Bear in mind my grandmother is 93 so anything younger than 80 is young and available for her granddaughter. She told me that he isn't all there in the head but a very nice man.
Thanks grandma! That's all I need is an old man to take care of who isn't all there in the head. Wouldn't you know my luck? It's dinner time? We proceed to the dining room because, of course, I can't wait to see this specimen, that she feels is "the one" for me.
Is she trying to get this old man a free ride out of the nursing home? Does she have a calling from God to free the lost souls in the nursing home? I digress.
We arrive at the dining table and there before me sits a man that is wheelchair bound. No younger than 80 and Lordy Lordy he forgot his teeth in his room. My grandmother asked me to be a dear and go fetch them.
Well I hate doorknobs in public places so you know how I'm going to hate handling these teeth. I'm praying with all my might "please Lord, let them be in a container" so as I don't have to reach inside a glass of miracle whitening formula to retrieve them. Whatever happened to Fixadent and leave them? Doesn't he watch commercials? If he's "the one" and before I take this man home, he's going to discover Fixadent! I will not become his false teeth retriever. Woof!
I arrive in his room, and there before me, sits his clappers. Not in a container, not even in a glass of liquids, but sitting on his nightstand searching for a mouth to jump in. I looked around for a kleenex, because had they been my teeth, I would not have wanted foreign hands on them, even though, God only knows what crawled upon them whilst they were lounging upon the nightstand soaking up the urine smells of the room.
Oh joy! There before me, my savior! A box of kleenex. I grab one, wrap it around the clappers, and proceed back to my love. All the while thinking, please don't make me have to put them in his mouth when I arrive back.
He is sitting there in conversation with my grandmother. Smiling like he had a mouth full of teeth. I hand him his lost treasure wrapped like a gift in kleenex. He gratefully takes them, thanking me profusely, while suctioning them to his gums.
Yep, with grandmothers like that, who needs Match.com?