Today is November 15th, two years ago, I was in Jamaica getting married for the third time. I shouldn't burden J-Land with a tribute of another failure of mine, but I feel a need to acknowledge this day. Please, humor me, one more time. It is part of my history and another piece of my puzzle. An unmade puzzle that is scattered in many pieces and I have yet to place them all in their rightful positions.
Yes, today would have been my second anniversary with my last husband and I did believe him to be my last. Scott is a wonderful man and I was fortunate to know him as well. (I know it's all sounding like a broken record but it's true) He is a very in depth thinking person. The very reason I was attracted to him was his ability to know himself within, and if he felt something within his heart, he knew why and could eloquently give the ten reasons why he was feeling it. He was so aware of his feelings and so able to relate to them and be honest about them. Sometimes that was not always a good thing for me because, my walls came up and I became distant and unable to relate my inner workings, and he wanted so very much for me to be able to list the reasons why I cared for him, as eloquently as he could relate, why he cared for me. Even to this day, I can't put to paper any concrete reasons why I loved him. I just did and it was simple for me but some need and want so much more.
We enjoyed doing many things together but most of all doing nothing is what we did best together. Watching the acorns fall, sitting on the patio barbequing, listening to him bitch because the squirrels were eating the plants and lying in bed listening to him get dressed in the morning are some of my best memories. Simple things. We both had a love for planting and watching nature grow. Springtime, roses, boating and fishing. Wintertime, playing cards, snuggling, and football.
Scott is a loving father to his three children. I truly admired that about him. He shares custody and has them 7 and 7. They are priority in his life which is the way it should always be when you have young children. His children are all extremely gifted and brilliant which is a testament to his own intelligence. I remember one time the two oldest arguing about what chemical in the blood attracted mosquitos. ( We were hiking along a stream and I didn't care why they were attracted to me, I knew they stung and we had forgot the OFF!) They were always debating amongst themselves. Boggles the mind what those youngsters discussed sometimes. I was completely awestruck by their inquisiveness.
We laughed a lot with them and one such time I will relate to you because it was priceless:
Scott and I was in our bedroom which adjoined the living room and I could hear the boys arguing while playing a video game. John, the youngest (10 at the time, oh, what a cat that boy is!) was a wiz when it came to games. The conversation went like this:
Taylor, "What button do I press to make it.....?" (can't recall exactly what he wanted it to do)
John, "Why?" (At least that's what we heard)
Taylor, "Because I want to know which button to press."
Taylor getting upset, "Just tell me which button!"
John (laughing), "Why?"
Taylor, (completely and totally frustrated) hollers "John! Because I want to know how to do it! Just tell me!"
At this point I'm getting frustrated too because it's getting loud and it's gone on long enough.
John, (still laughing) "Taylor press 'Y' on the controller."
I nearly lost it with laughter! It was a classic!
Some of you may ask, why did it end? Going into all the negatives on both sides will not change the circumstances nor the outcome of the marriage. I will say that I am not capable of the love required to sustain a marriage or a relationship. There comes a time when you have to forget the bad and smile at the good. I didn't want the divorce, but given the circumstances, I accepted it as being in the best interest of both of us.
I want to say to everyone out there reading this,just because someone doesn't love you the way you expect them to, doesn't mean they don't love you as much as they are capable or as much as they've ever loved. They may have limited resources in their heart to allow them to love as fully as you want or expect. They may have a darkness in their soul that needs understanding and patience. Look for the small inconsequential things that they may be doing to show their love for you. It's amazing what you will see if you only open your eyes. It may just be a glance or a small touch. What seems so easy for you may be extremely difficult for them. They may need someone to work with them and help teach them how to love completely. Don't push someone you love to be something they are not. If you love them accept them as they are at that moment. If you have faith and enough love and patience to wait they will finally trust you enough to love you as much as you deserve to be loved. And most of all, if you are incapable of the patience it requires, do not berate yourself, forgive yourself because, we are but mere mortals, living out a destiny, to the best of our ability, that which God has planned for us.
This was another path crossed in my journey of life, another bench I rested upon for a small while. Like every other journey in my life, I have come away with a better understanding of my character. I can see more clearly now what drives Sharlene to act and react to life's endless roads. I am a far better person for having crossed his path on my journey. I have so much more direction and now I'm less ashamed of the roads I have traveled. I have learned to accept the many crossroads in my life and I respect myself for doing what needs to be done for my soul. It doesn't lessen the hurt nor make it go away but it eases a little of the pain and failure knowing it wasn't for naught. It was a scenic but sometime bumpy route but one I do not regret travelling.
It's time to count my blessings, I have to thank you, Scott, for providing the way for me to see more of who I am and thank you God for putting Scott in my path to enable me see all the things you needed me to see. And I do honestly with all my soul wish him love, happiness, and whatever his heart desires in this life and the next. We all deserve the best no matter who we are or what we have done. Forgiveness is the key to eternal happiness and I plan on having it! Forgetting is the hardest part but God doesn't ask us to forget only to forgive.
And finally, a memory about Scott and I, that will always put a smile on my face and heart, and the memory goes like this:
We were driving down Bertrand Blvd in Lafayette on our first date and I was putting upon my lips some Vaseline Lip Therapy because my lips were slightly dry. I asked him if he wanted a little therapy for his lips and he said yes. That little imp within me got loose again and I reached over and used my vaselined lips on his. It was our first kiss and the most spontaneous kiss I've ever given. I remember him being surprised and I was shocked at myself as well. I had been wanting to kiss him all night and I knew he did too, and it's a good thing the light turned red, because the kiss lasted longer than it should have taken for me to theraputilize his lips.
I intended this entry to be positive and I hope it came across as positive along with a little of life's reality mixed in. No amount of writing would ever explain my heart in this matter so I'm going to put this to rest now. I've rambled on long enough. We have to close one door before another can be opened and I'm ready to cautiously peek on the other side.
Here's a pic and an earlier entry that I wrote about us. A pierced heart
... and finally (sigh of relief from J-Land) this concludes my remembrance of November. Now I'm ready to get on with my usual shallow and shellfish self.
I do believe this entry lasted longer than any relationship I've ever had. I thank everyone who endured it through to the end. May God Bless You all with wealth of spirit and health of heart and beaucoupe' love! I can feel the love out there! Hey you! I felt just a little too much love from you! Get your hands off my butt!
Smile on through the rain
Laugh all through the pain
Flow through to changes
Till the sun comes out again
Keep on Smilin'
God loves you!
The Saint of theday's blessing:
An egg given during life for love of God is more profitable for eternity than a cathedral full of gold given after death.
- St. Albert the Great (1206-1280)