Ajoleblon...A Cajun Tale

My photo
Lafayette, Louisiana, United States
This journal is a bunch of rants about nothing. Mostly lighthearted happenings in the life of a woman who is very simple and who wants for nothing but greatly appreciates whatever is given. You will find nothing profound here but hopefully something that will make you laugh and that's what I enjoy doing most. Being humorous. Fight all error, but do it with good humor, patience, kindness, and love. Harshness will damage your own soul and spoil the best cause.

Wednesday, February 1, 2006

I'm a Hymenal Girl


When you become a certain age it becomes possible to talk about anything. Nothing seems to cause much shame any longer. You have lived through much and you have been told much. Some truths and some untruths. Only from experience, tears and total embarrassment are you able to finally judge for yourself what appears to be true and what appears to be false. When you can stand up and boldly admit to not always knowing it all and having all the answers is when adulthood is somewhat attained. After this story is told you will realize that I definitely have no shame and will admit to anything.

I am going to take you back, way back, to a time when I was the most naive person imaginable. A time when mom could tell me anything and I believed it. A time when you did what your mother told you to do without question. You are all allowed to laugh at my naivety because this rendition is meant to be humorous. I can finally, after many years write about this experience with humor and without the embarrassment it has caused me in the past. I can look at it with much laughter because it was funny. Maybe not at the time but today it is.

I'm not sure if any of you are aware of this but you can bleed to death from having sex? I'm sure you've heard of many many cases of it? Yes sirree! That's what dear Mom told me and who was I to doubt her? After all, she had taken me to a doctor when I was 9 years old and he informed her that I had a thick hymen. Yeah that fold of mucous membrane that bursts the first time you are inducted into adulthood by the consummation of full blown sexual activity. (We have a theater here in town called "The Heymann Theater of Performing Arts" and I swear every time I hear it advertised I think of my thick hymen)

I digress. Apparently dear old Dr. James, after examining me, because I had a bladder infection, told my mother that I could possibly bleed a bit more than expected when I had my first sexual experience. Of course, I remember the pain of the examination, so when she later told me this, I didn't have a difficult time believing it was possible. It was the best available birth control and assurance of virginity that my mother could ever wish for. Her daughter, at all cost would walk down the aisle in white, come hell or high water!

When, I met my future husband to be, I had the dubious pleasure of having to let him know about the notorious thickness of my hymen. It was not going to be performing for him unless it was married to him and a doctor was readily available for my impending hemorrhage. I was 15 years old when he decided he would take the chance of marrying a girl who would perhaps bleed to death on their wedding bed. If that isn't love I don't know what is?

Mother and I planned the wedding for 8 months. Shopping for and buying the glorious white wedding gown. Oh Momma was so proud. Her daughter was getting married in white. A virgin. I would not shame her with an unwanted pregnancy!

Of course, he and I partook in many make out sessions and things got really hot and heavy but I always had that lightbulb in my head going off telling me "whoop" "whoop" "whoop" "thick hymen alert!". I could not imagine having to call my mother from the hospital to inform her that I had defied her and was dying from hymenal causes. My future husband was even more paranoid than I and Mr. Happy stayed where it belonged most of the time. *Snorts* I did see Mr. Happy on a few occasions and it further convinced me that I could die from this thing that could possibly be just as thick as my hymen. A double whammy!

As the wedding drew near, my mother was in a panic that her daughter may not survive the wedding night, and mother dearest wanted to be close at hand should the unspeakable happen. She went to every length to insure I would have swift medical attention in the event of my death by impalement. Located about a mile from where we lived and where my mother would be staked out with medical provisions, was Deweyville Texas, and the rinkiest dinkiest sleazy motel you can envision. Redneck capital of the world!

We arrive one week in advance, my mother, myself and my future husband, to make reservations at this esteemed establishment. I would not lie to you! Reservations for a place that rarely saw anything but prostitutes and roaches. $6.00 a night paid in advance. I look back on it and cringe with embarrassment!

May 31, 1975, after our wedding and reception, in the broad day light, we arrive at our honeymoon suite . This place does not even have a lobby. It has a window from the outside to a room where you buzz a bell that summons someone in the inside to get the key to the room.

My husband gets the key and we haul our luggage in. I walk into the room and my jaw drops to the cement floor. Yes, the floor did not even have tile on it. It was bare cement. I, being the sport I have always been, knows what I have to do. I open my suitcase and remove my white negligee with the little red heart on the top right hand corner and proceed to the bathroom which was like walking to my death chamber.. I don't know which was worse...the bathroom or the idea that I was getting ready for my deathbed.

I walk out of the bathroom and my husband is waiting on the bed for me. I get into bed with him and he tries kissing me but then I hear the whirring of a lawn mower outside. I look to my left and I see the curtains have a huge part the size of which Moses would have been proud of and the curtains are catshit yellow like everything was back in the mid-70's.

From the parting of the Red Sea, I could see the maintenance guy passing back and forth in front of the window with his mower making wonderful romantic music and, I, for the life of me, cannot muster any desire for this man that is my husband lying upon me. Everything was very surreal. I look him in the eye and these were my exact words

"Stick it in...see if I'm gonna bleed and let's get the hell out of here!"

There was a huge sigh of relief when penetration didn't cause my fatal demise. I called my mother to inform her that her daughter didn't even shed a drop of blood. Not one crimson drop! Sonavabitch! If that wasn't a form of sexual abuse, I don't know what is.

So there you have it, the story of how one 16 year old remained a virgin until marriage.





Many things are possible for the person who has hope. Even more is possible for the person who has faith. And still more is possible for the person who knows how to love. But everything is possible for the person who practices all three virtues.

- Brother Lawrence (1605-1691


mosie1944 said...

Oh my goodness, this is hilarious!  I didn't have a thick hymen, but I had a mother like yours.

robinngabster said...

Too funny!!  I was told I would go to hell if I had sex before marriage.

caesar1958 said...

Have a friend named Hyman.......wonder how his parents dreamed that up!!!!!......Wait.....that's right....he's a jr.......

jevanslink said...

Very funny story.  Thanks for the smile.  Mrs. L

hadonfield78 said...

That was a great story, I am still crying tears of laughter. You have a terrific wit about you. No one could tell that story like you did.
You paint a picture so vivid.

sangrialel said...

Oh my goodness, that is a very funny story!  I am can see why it was not funny then but now?  LOLOLOL  Lelly

peabody47 said...

Hi, as usual your journal entry has been anything except ordinary, lol. While out of the country I was unable to trick my company issued computer to ignore the safty protecols and allow me to seek entertainment on AOL.  
So glad you didn't bleed to death. :). Your writing proves that wisdom is attained through the collection of experiences. U go girl.
Hey-and where is Mr. Sunday.
A Tale of Many Tongues.

saleenm98 said...

LoL, cute story.  Sounds like your first time was just as awkward and uncomfortable as a first time could possibly be!  And wow, Married at 16 sounds so young nowadays!!  Glad you survive it all.


siennastarr said...

OMG!  Pick me up off the floor because I have fallen and I can't get up!  I am laughing so hard!  That was the funniest, cutest entry I have read in a long time!  

I have one question though?  Were you spying on me on my wedding night, because our situations sound almost identical!  

I know, I know.. What's new, right?? lol

Great entry, sista!  Loved it!


swibirun said...

Wow....I am so thankful that I never had to penetrate anyone's hymen!  



I don't think I can have sex tonight......

Most recent entry was 2/02/06

queeniemart said...

In case you dont know this...YOU ARE A RIOT.....i mean, i sat here just so excited to keep reading as fast as i could to see if your thick hymen killed you. Nope, it didnt. I think the man mowing the lawn wanted to catch a peek too!
Hugs, lisa jo

gailmb said...

My mother never heaped that bit of crap on me, thank goodness! Of course, if she had, I probably would have just carried a good first aid kit along on all my dates...
I was a Girl Scout. Always be prepared.....

Loved your story!!

ccancu said...

I am glad you LIVED to tell the tale . . .  LOL!  

Why is it that the curtains in motels NEVER completely close?!?  LOL!!!

mattydee68 said...

OMG, that was one of the best stories I have read on the net!  I did a google search and landed on your site.  Thanks so much for the 5 minutes of pure laughter it gave me.  
You really need to look at yourself  and think about your future because truely I beleive you have a real talent (aka gift) to make people laugh by being able to relate to them.  
I may just need to pass this link along to some of my girl friends.  
Looking forward to reading MORE of your journal entries!
You go girl!
I have 5 year old boy and girl twins and don't doubt for one second I won't be using this story/idea in a few years.  
Even my husband came in asking why I was laughing so hard!  Too cute and so true!
Candy who signed in under my friend who has an AOL acct.