I have a tail....(not that tail!) yes I have a tale to tell. This is going to come as quite a surprise to many of you since I do not often talk about any of my truly personal problems in my journal but I feel a need to address this problem and only because it may help you or even someone you may know suffering from the same problem.
About 4 years ago I started suffering from insomnia. I could not sleep for the life of me and I'd have heart palpatations and extreme anxiety attacks. I had no clue what was happening to me but I called my gyno and told him about the sleeplessness. He prescribed me a sleep aid which wasn't helping. We finally figured out I was possibly going through a mild depression. He gave me prozac and it did wonders for me. I saw a different me.
I then met my third husband to be. We quickly fell in love and got married. Shortly after we got married I got off of the medication. That was over two years ago.
A year ago I went back to the doctor because I was going days without sleeping. He gave me Xanax. I started sleeping again but this past year has been hell for me. I have had complete loss of interest in all things. I tried to muster up interest. I thought if I found a man to "make me happy" then all would be well but as you all know I dated but found absolutely no joy in any of these guys. I would cry at the drop of a hat. I would find many things that would remind me of my ex and break down. Something was definitely wrong with me because I could not move on.
In the last year or so, most of my weekends were spent in bed moping and drowning in misery. I had no joy in life and I was getting scared. FEAR ruled me. I was scared of everything. I felt worthless. I feared new relationships. I feared public restrooms. I feared going out. I feared getting out of bed. The only thing that got me out was my need to go to Mass every Sunday. I prayed like Hades was coming to get me. I begged and pleaded and bargained with God, to no avail, but somewhere in all of that I believed!
I want you all to know I did go to workbut it was getting exceedingly difficult for me to even do that. I found myself restless and unable to concentrate at work. The feelings of being overwhelmed was overwhelming.
A month ago after not hearing from my ex in almost two years he accidently calls me. You can all say this is the straw that broke the camels back. I went into a tailspin. I kept asking God why oh why now? I cried endlessly in pain from all of the resurrected memories. I didn't have any answers to any of my whys. The only explanation that I could possibly give myself was that I had unspent agony that needed to be spent and you could swear I was rich because damn I was spending!
Last Wednesday I woke with the thought of life not being worth living. I wanted God to take me and NOW. I am not strong enough for suicide so I begged him to please do away with all of this misery that I've been going through. I truly wanted to be gone from this world. Let's factor in that I was invited to this weekend's LSU game and I turned it down.... Okay, time to go to the doctor Sharlene! LOL
God did answer my prayers but in his time not mine. I know he needed me to see a lot of things that I saw in my misery. I got answers to questions about my marriage that otherwise I may have not seen. I saw a lot of selfishness in me and my lack of response to any love given to me. I saw so many things that for years I never have seen about myself. My best friend told me I don't allow anyone to love me. I beg for love but when it is given I throw it away. FEAR.
Anyway, I went to the doctor yesterday. It will come to no surprise to all of you that I am in a SEVERE DEPRESSION. No longer mild but severe. After questioning me for what seemed like hours, he determined from my responses and my life in the last 2 years that getting off of prozac was not one of my smartest moves.
Let me recount to you what the doctor got out of me yesterday and the reasons for my depression will become crystal clear to even those of you who are not rocket scientists.
#1 Less than 3 years ago I got married for the 3rd time and moved away from daughter and grandson.
#2 Within 6 months it was over and I moved back and was divorced
#3 My daughter got married and took my grandson 2 hours away
#4 One of my dearest friends moved far far away
#5 I reconnected with an old friend and that ended
#6 Hurricane Katrina hit
#7 Hurricane Rita hit destroying many memories from my past.
#8 I switched jobs.
The doctor explained to me that any "one" of these things could have caused a depression but all of them in less than 2 years and plus factor in my family history of depression and you got ME. Why didn't I see it? I know my mother suffers from it and I had before so why didn't I get it? I know why now...because God wanted me to see and feel a lot and boy did I ever! And my philosophy is...you have to feel really bad in order to appreciate how really good you can feel.
I took my first Lexapro last night (by the way Xanax aggravates depression so I was having a double whammy) and I know it will take at least two weeks to feel the full effect of it and it's not possibly working but God was definitely working because this morning when the alarm went off....the song playing was..."Life is a highway and I want to ride it all night long" and I jumped up ON my bed and danced to that song. I was laughing with such joy and HOPE because I knew there was light at the end of the tunnel.