What a bloody mess!

I have returned from the seashores of Florida. I am tanned and my measurements have gone up a few inches. Nothing like the sand and surf to boost the appetite. I swear to you that I think that all my daughter and husband do is eat. We drove and ate the entire time.

I did enjoy the beach experience but not as much as I could have. I would tell you all of it but some details I must leave out because of the sensitivity of some eyes. No, I will tell you the entire horrid experience from start to finish. Emphasis on start.

Saturday afternoon, our first day on the beach was pleasant with no mishaps unless you consider the girl next to us pressing her boyfriends pimples. Yeah that was pretty disgusting to experience but much better than what I was going to experience the next day.

Sunday afternoon we went to Gulf World so my little angel could see the dolphins, sea lions and all the underwater creatures that inhabit the Gulf Floors. He was most fascinated with the reptiles and my daughter and I were most fascinated with the reptile handler. Swoon. You can imagine the vulgar conversation going on between my daughter and I. You know...snakes and such. Her husband was oblivious to the entire exchange. Since Matthew was so intrigued by the snake we, of course, being the accommodating adults that we are, decided to allow him a closer view of the snake. Swoon.

After Gulf World, we went to the beach. We were not on the beach 30 minutes and my mishap happened. Yes, the dreaded thing that most women cringe at the idea of happening on a beach in a bikini. An orange bikini at that. Not bright red, but ORANGE. OMG...I grabbed the patriotic flag beach towel and wrapped it around me and frantically motioned for my daughter, who was in the water to haul her ass pronto! That was the quickest I have ever left a beach.

Monday we left for Pensacola Beach. We had the most beautiful beachfront room. I decided to once again try my luck at lying on the beach.

Everything was going smoothly until this twenty two year old who was lying a few feet from me decided to strike up a conversation with me. I was trying to lie on the beach, soak up the sun and watch my grandson and this youngster scoots over and says "Hi, how are you doing and the normal pleasantries that folks who don't know each other talk about."

I'm thinking to myself that he's a pleasant young man to be so kind as to see a lonely granny lying there and striking up a conversation with her. After about twenty minutes I'm thinking that it’s time for him to scoot on back to his friends who are carousing around talking about the beautiful scenery (young flesh walking back and forth in their itsy bitsy teeny weeny bikinis).

He finally decides to ask about my "son" who is frolicking in the sand a few yards away. I kindly explain to him that he is my grandson at which time he seems to be flabbergasted. I said "yes you have been sitting here wasting your time on a grandmother."

Then all of a sudden, I feel this god-awful warmness...OMG...not again! Now I am in a quandary. Thank God I am sitting on a towel that I can immediately wrap around me. I kindly turn towards this young gentleman and explain to him I need the bathroom facilities.

I motion for my daughter who is in the water to please vacate the Gulf of Mexico and take care of her son. To my complete disgust and consternation, this young man decides he needs the facilities as well and likes me enough to escort me to them. I am in complete embarrassment when he follows me to our hotel room.

What could I do but invite him to relieve himself at our throne? I go first and lo and behold if I didn't have the opportunity to stock up on supplies before entering the bathroom. Oh dear, what will I do? He's in the room and I can't boldly go into my stock in full view of this unknowing young man.

Do not ever underestimate the skills of a woman in a panic. I get the idea that I will remove my bathing suit....rinse it off...wrap it in a towel...wrap myself up into the same beach towel and while he's using the facilities I will do what needs to be done and put on a pair of shorts.

It worked and he was none the wiser. It appeared to him that I decided to put on a pair of shorts over my bathing suit. We exit the hotel room ( me all proud of myself for escaping discovery) with these words from his mouth "Those are some sweet shorts". Demurely I say "Thank you". We arrive back at the beach and he then decides it's time to reconnect with his friends. Dude! Why oh why not BEFORE I went to the bathroom?

After that mishap, I decided that the beach was not the place I would be visiting again on this particular trip. I stayed pool side and in close proximity to a bathroom and seriously contemplated a hysterectomy.

There you have it...from "start" to "finish".