Be careful what you ask for because you may just get it!
I wasn’t going to write about this but then I felt the need to put it into writing because that usually helps me come to grips with what is going on in my mind.
I kept asking the question "why"? Why Lord, after two years, am I still stuck in the pain of a past relationship? Prior to this, I would tend to banish a relationship without as much pain and move on to the next. Not this time! In the past two years, I have come up with some pretty good reasons why I am suffering still.
I thought to myself, that for once, I must have really loved someone enough to keep the fire burning in my heart for this long. Another thought was that it was my third (marriage)failure and I was possibly taking it harder than prior relationships. Maybe I was getting older and wiser with the realization that some things you have to work at and they just don’t come as easily as you expect them to. With these and many more rationalizations, I still had not, within my heart, truly believed that I had hit upon the true reasons of my hurt and pain continuing.
Tomorrow marks the day that the final divorce papers were filed. I think, now after two years, and another meeting with my ex, I have found the answer to the question "why?"
When I first left my husband, I knew that it would be the hardest thing that either one of us would have to endure. I knew that I had caused a lot of hurt and pain in the relationship and I knew that it was me that didn’t want the relationship to work. I was the one who had given up because I didn’t want to fight for it any longer. I used all my past hurts and angers to ruin what could have been something good, but it’s over and I know that it was meant to be over. God had other plans for both of us. I trust that.
Here is the conversation I had with God on my way home from work Monday afternoon. It was very short and sweet but revealing.
"God! Why? Why? Why?"
Clear as a bell I heard the Good Lord say to me "Sharlene? Do you remember when you first left Scott, what you asked me?"
"Refresh my memory Lord, I’m getting old here!"
"Well, my dear, when you left Scott and you realized the pain you had caused, you asked me to give you all of his hurt and pain along with yours."
"Yes, Lord, I sure did, didn’t I?"
Right then and there I knew without a doubt. Everything fell into place and when Scott entered my life again for a brief time, I wondered "why?" and then the answer was again revealed to me by God:
"Because, Sharlene, I had to show you that he was fine and you could quit carrying his hurt and pain."
So it had nothing to do with love or failures. It had to do with getting what I asked for so I am here to tell you be careful what you ask God for and when you ask make damned sure you want it!
I know I have grown through this experience and that is what counts most of all!