Ask me if I'm happy! I have 6 FREE tickets to see my beloved LSU Tigers! I'm taking my daughter, her husband, my favorite little man, and two other friends. My grandson LOVES football so I know he will absolutely love the excitement of Tiger Stadium!
Geaux Tigers
The most frequent side effects reported with Lexapro are nausea,(I feel very pregnant) insomnia, (I thought depression caused insomnia why does the cure cause it too?) problems with ejaculation,(this is where the Professor of Bull may come in handy) somnolence, (you can't sleep but you stay sleepy...shit!) increased sweating, (okay, Secret don't fail me now!) fatigue, (another sympthom of depression why does the cure cause it too...isn't this all a double whammy?) decreased libido, and anorgasmia (I don't have to worry about this part right now...but maybe in a few weeks I'll be more in the frame of mind to test it? Oh that's right...I have to find a man first...oh dear...that might be a problem)
The cure seems to be worse than the depression and I have an extreme headache from all the serotonin levels being increased in this brain. No damned telling what will come off these fingers with the brain waves catapulting around. In my mind I see this graph which shows the levels flunctuating. One minute I'm way up here and the next I'm way down there. My graph is very colorful and pretty. My ups are vermillion red and my downs are royal blue. Right now I'm pretty mellow yellow. I wonder if it has anything to do with the wine I wasn't supposed to consume on this drug?
Oh yeah, I was told not to make any major decisions in my life at this point. Damn! I really wanted to marry that hunk who asked me yesterday, but after reading all the side effects of Lexapro, I realized it probably wouldn't be a good idea for him to marry someone who can't ejaculate or orgasmatize him. Where's that fake cow vagina when you need it?
I was told not to make the decision to sale my house right now. The realtor came and assessed my house but when I told her that I could become a knife wielding maniac at any point she took her measurements and ran. She told me to call her when the effects of my medication were firmly instilled in my system. I truly believe that I will still want to sell because it was something I wanted to do even before my graph became so colorful.
Also, I believe in things falling into place when something is right. A guy that I work with has a one bedroom place for rent, 3 minutes from work, at a very reduced price from what everyone else is asking for rent. No more traveling the highways and byways back and forth two hours of my day every day. He will also hold it for me until I sell my house because he wants "good people" in there. Maybe I should tell him about my knife wielding tendencies?
As my realtor was running, she told me that I had a very good chance of selling it without a problem (there are no houses to be had here) plus with it being a sellers market right now...I can sell it for almost 30K more than I bought it. Of course we can't consider that a profit since I probably have paid that much in interest in the last 9 years. That's probably the only interest I've had in the last few years!
I have a tail....(not that tail!) yes I have a tale to tell. This is going to come as quite a surprise to many of you since I do not often talk about any of my truly personal problems in my journal but I feel a need to address this problem and only because it may help you or even someone you may know suffering from the same problem.
About 4 years ago I started suffering from insomnia. I could not sleep for the life of me and I'd have heart palpatations and extreme anxiety attacks. I had no clue what was happening to me but I called my gyno and told him about the sleeplessness. He prescribed me a sleep aid which wasn't helping. We finally figured out I was possibly going through a mild depression. He gave me prozac and it did wonders for me. I saw a different me.
I then met my third husband to be. We quickly fell in love and got married. Shortly after we got married I got off of the medication. That was over two years ago.
A year ago I went back to the doctor because I was going days without sleeping. He gave me Xanax. I started sleeping again but this past year has been hell for me. I have had complete loss of interest in all things. I tried to muster up interest. I thought if I found a man to "make me happy" then all would be well but as you all know I dated but found absolutely no joy in any of these guys. I would cry at the drop of a hat. I would find many things that would remind me of my ex and break down. Something was definitely wrong with me because I could not move on.
In the last year or so, most of my weekends were spent in bed moping and drowning in misery. I had no joy in life and I was getting scared. FEAR ruled me. I was scared of everything. I felt worthless. I feared new relationships. I feared public restrooms. I feared going out. I feared getting out of bed. The only thing that got me out was my need to go to Mass every Sunday. I prayed like Hades was coming to get me. I begged and pleaded and bargained with God, to no avail, but somewhere in all of that I believed!
I want you all to know I did go to workbut it was getting exceedingly difficult for me to even do that. I found myself restless and unable to concentrate at work. The feelings of being overwhelmed was overwhelming.
A month ago after not hearing from my ex in almost two years he accidently calls me. You can all say this is the straw that broke the camels back. I went into a tailspin. I kept asking God why oh why now? I cried endlessly in pain from all of the resurrected memories. I didn't have any answers to any of my whys. The only explanation that I could possibly give myself was that I had unspent agony that needed to be spent and you could swear I was rich because damn I was spending!
Last Wednesday I woke with the thought of life not being worth living. I wanted God to take me and NOW. I am not strong enough for suicide so I begged him to please do away with all of this misery that I've been going through. I truly wanted to be gone from this world. Let's factor in that I was invited to this weekend's LSU game and I turned it down.... Okay, time to go to the doctor Sharlene! LOL
God did answer my prayers but in his time not mine. I know he needed me to see a lot of things that I saw in my misery. I got answers to questions about my marriage that otherwise I may have not seen. I saw a lot of selfishness in me and my lack of response to any love given to me. I saw so many things that for years I never have seen about myself. My best friend told me I don't allow anyone to love me. I beg for love but when it is given I throw it away. FEAR.
Anyway, I went to the doctor yesterday. It will come to no surprise to all of you that I am in a SEVERE DEPRESSION. No longer mild but severe. After questioning me for what seemed like hours, he determined from my responses and my life in the last 2 years that getting off of prozac was not one of my smartest moves.
Let me recount to you what the doctor got out of me yesterday and the reasons for my depression will become crystal clear to even those of you who are not rocket scientists.
#1 Less than 3 years ago I got married for the 3rd time and moved away from daughter and grandson.
#2 Within 6 months it was over and I moved back and was divorced
#3 My daughter got married and took my grandson 2 hours away
#4 One of my dearest friends moved far far away
#5 I reconnected with an old friend and that ended
#6 Hurricane Katrina hit
#7 Hurricane Rita hit destroying many memories from my past.
#8 I switched jobs.
The doctor explained to me that any "one" of these things could have caused a depression but all of them in less than 2 years and plus factor in my family history of depression and you got ME. Why didn't I see it? I know my mother suffers from it and I had before so why didn't I get it? I know why now...because God wanted me to see and feel a lot and boy did I ever! And my philosophy is...you have to feel really bad in order to appreciate how really good you can feel.
I took my first Lexapro last night (by the way Xanax aggravates depression so I was having a double whammy) and I know it will take at least two weeks to feel the full effect of it and it's not possibly working but God was definitely working because this morning when the alarm went off....the song playing was..."Life is a highway and I want to ride it all night long" and I jumped up ON my bed and danced to that song. I was laughing with such joy and HOPE because I knew there was light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't know if any of you guys need this information but my Mom sent it to me and I thought it could be very helpful to anyone going through any kind of heartbreak.
How To Mend A Broken Heart?
============================
How do you mend a broken heart?
So what do you do when you've got a broken heart?
Here are four steps that will help you up that mountain.
1. Occupy 2. Gratify 3. Sanctify 4. Glorify.
Occupy:
Occupy your time, don't sit around moping.
Do something.
Idleness is the soil of self-pity and depression. Get busy.
The best thing that you can do is to do something that helps
others. It's a universal principle that when you start focusing
on helping others, your own problems are diminished.
Don't just stand there, DO SOMETHING!
Gratify:
Write a list of the things you like, then pick three of those
things and put those things in your life - now.
Make sure you can afford them and that they aren't harmful.
When our hearts are broken, we often deprive ourselves of the
things we enjoy. Make an effort to put enjoyment in your life.
Sanctify:
Do good. Don't return evil for evil, hurt for hurt, pain for
pain. Don't wish something horrible would happen to the other
person. Hope for their good fortune in your spirit, and it just
may release your good fortune in your world.
The easiest way to forget someone, is to truly wish them well.
Glorify:
Life is not over. You can live without them. Not only can you
live without them, you can live even happier without them.
It is a matter of perspective. Even with the negative in your
world at the moment, there is something to be thankful for.
There is plenty to be thankful for actually.
Give God the glory for what you have.
You can't be sad and thankful at the same time.
Tell heartbreak to move over.
I was showering and when I looked down at my feet, I knew summer was indeed over. My toenails are no longer manicured and my heels are not smooth as a baby's butt. Oh how we let ourselves go during the winter months and we have to work so damned hard two months prior to summer to get back where we were. Why oh why don't we just keep up with the program?
I really need a life!
Doubt sees the obstacles
Faith sees the way;
Doubt sees the blackest night,
Faith sees the day;
Doubt dreads to take a step,
Faith soars on high;
Doubt questions "Who believes?"
Faith answers "I"!
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial,
because when he has stood the test,
he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
(James 1:12 NIV)
The Rose
Some say love it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love it is a hunger
An endless, aching need
I say love it is a flower,
And you it’s only seed.
It’s the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It’s the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance
It’s the one who won’t be taken,
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dying
That never learns to live.
And the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long.
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong.
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed that with the sun’s love,
In the spring, becomes a rose.
I have lived the American Dream. I’ve owned my own home and it ain’t all that and a bag of chips. I am alone with a three bedroom home. Why?
I’m packing my shit and getting the hell out of Dodge. I should have done this 2 years ago but now the market is much better for selling so the house goes on the market Saturday.
I have a lot of crap to get rid of but I want to live a VERY simple life of the bare essentials. I don’t want any albatrosses around my neck that will stop me from moving along wherever and whenever I decide to ride my horse out of Dodge.
Sometimes we have crap on top of crap that we don’t need. Why not give it to someone who will benefit from having it? We tend to be bound to our "stuff". I don’t want anything material binding me. I think it’s Southwest Airlines that says "you are free to move around the country". Well that’s gonna be me!
Okay, that all sounded good, but the truth is, I’m selling because my daughter is buying a home and she will need all my "stuff" and since I don’t need my "stuff" who better to give it to than the two people who mean everything to me? Essentially it is true that I want to live a simple life but I have selfish motives. If I give them everything that means they have to come and get it which leaves me less to deal with. I ain’t stupid!
I can’t tell you what a relief it is to finally decide to do it. Who knows I may even move closer to Brandi. Why not? Nothing is keeping me here. Actually there is nothing keeping me anywhere. Gosh, the freedom of it all!
Wisdom is the ability to use knowledge so as to meet successfully the emergencies of life. Men may acquire knowledge, but wisdom is a gift direct from God.
Bob Jones
Do you guys remember when I got stood up and I told you that I met a guy that night and he asked for my phone number? All I knew about this guy was that he was a teacher in the Dairy Department at Louisiana State University. He called me for a date Friday night and I accepted. He arrives at my home to pick me up and I was relieved that he looked exactly how I remembered. I had been drinking and you just never know what your mind convinces your eyes to see.
We went out to dinner and I proceeded to inquire about his duties in the Dairy Department at LSU. I envisioned him milking cows, cleaning cow shit and such.
I must say I have dated a lot in my time but have never dated a man who has ever done this for a living. It seems for many years he was a Bull Semen Collector. You guys know me and you can about imagine the ensuing conversation. I had to know it all and of course I got educated in the finer points of ejaculating a bull. I sincerely hope I never need the skills required to do this "job". He so graciously invited me one day to partake in viewing this process. He explained to me that he has taught this to over 5000 students and a lot of them faint when they see it. I asked what he meant by "it" and of course he was talking about the size of the bull’s penis. I’m not too sure that I could handle it since I have not been intimate with a man in such a long time. I think I would faint from the romance of it all. OMG I’m sick!
I, of course, had to joke and ask if he whispered in the bull’s ear to get him prepared and/or put romantic music on to set the mood. He was very nice about my good hearted humor. He said that throughout the years he has heard it all when it comes to the wisecracks.
FYI, in case you do not know they do not manually ejaculate a bull. They have (this is where it got funny in the explanation) warm fake cow vaginas that they entice the bulls to mount. Now it takes a lot of panache to sit there with an almost total stranger and converse about fake cow vaginas and erect bull penises.
I have found this dating process to be very educational. I have met a Professor of Bull and that’s no shit!
UPDATE on the guy who stood me up: It seems his ex girlfriend had called him and he got all tangled up in old feelings for her and he didn’t know how to call and tell me. We have now become friends. I told him it was no excuse for doing that but I understood since ironically the same thing had happened to me the following week.
As you may all know my son in law is 14 years older than my daughter and closer to my age. This weekend I requested that I see my grandson and they informed me that they were going to North Louisiana to a family reunion. They invited me to accompany them and possibly meet my son in law's brother. I sent my daughter an email declining the invitation. Here is the email and my reasons for declining:
I have no words of wisdom or inspiration today. Hold on! Here's one:
If it looks like a skunk and smells like a skunk...you damned better believe it's a skunk!
Friday I had the most fulfilling date of all time. I was completely and totally taken by surprise with my ability to allow someone to conquer me in such a fashion. I learned about submission and we all know that I do NOT believe in the part of the bible that says a woman should be submissive to her man.
The date started normally. I met him at a local establishment for a nice dinner. He met me outside and I found him to be a most attractive young gentleman. As usual, at first it was a bit awkward but once we had a few margaritas in us, we became very open and was able to speak of many things. I could see we were clicking and I think he was feeling the same so after the meal he invited me to his place. I could not find it within myself to say no.
I follow him to his place in my car. As I am following him, I can feel the excitement within myself. This was a first for me and I was amazed that I was actually at his place with him. I get out of my car and walk to the door with him. He unlocks the door and invites me in.
I walk in and immediately notice the mattress on the floor. I'm a little uncomfortable but he begins showing me around his place and I start to feel a bit more at ease with the situation. He excuses himself to the bathroom. While he is gone, I look around at all the paraphernalia he has at his place but my main focus was the mattress on the floor. I'm pacing and wondering what I have gotten myself into. Should I back out and leave? Oh, but too late!
He returns from the bathroom with his pajamas on. My eyes immediately become saucers in my white face because he looks absolutely gorgeous in them. I realize in my heart that I have made the right choice and that this will be good for my soul and that he will teach me a gentle way. He is going to teach me to be a better person, in the physical, intellectual and moral sense.
My heart is leaping in my chest when I notice that he has a smaller pair of pajamas in his hands. He hands them to me and invites me to remove my boots and my clothing and put the p.j.'s on. I, being the modest gal that I am, close myself into the bathroom, panicking with each button that I undo, but I know I have come this far and I can't turn back.
When I finally exit the bathroom, my gaze immediately becomes glued to him standing erect on the mattress. I am flushed with excitement as he begins talking about conquering and submission. Showing me things I have never experienced but have only dreamed about. . At this point I had no clue who was going to submit or who was going to conquer but he had me mesmerized at the possibilities.
He holds out his hand in an invitation for me to join him on the mattress and I grab his arm and I put my arm around his waist and I twist around with my back to him. Oh my God! I immediately notice my powers over him. He is defenseless as I bring him to the mattress onto his back. My knees go weak when he flips me onto my back and he's between my legs! Instead of panicking I realize he has given me the knowledge and leverage that I need. With me on my back, and him between my legs, he is totally defenseless to my charms! I now have the upper hand or should I say legs? I wrap my long legs around his neck and I keep them there until the final climactic moment where he taps me and says "I submit".
And there you have in intimate detail my first date with Terry. I have included a picture of this fine gentlemen (he is on the right) and I thank him for such an enriching experience and I definitely hope to continue learning his ways because they are very gratifying!
Terry is a 1st Degree Black Belt Judo Instructor
